couples (or family) therapy there is usually a major complaint
from one or both parties. This “problem” is the symptom
of what is wrong in the social unit of the family. It
often is NOT the cause.
buy not always, in the dynamics of a relationship, the weakest
link is where symptoms show. One can heal the individual
person (i.e. symptom) and then when the person is put back
in the system, the old behaviour recurs. The dynamics of the
inter-relationship within the system itself needs also to
conflict is an opportunity for personal and couple growth.
The relationship is where we are creating who we are and want
to be. The goal is to establish an environment of care,
safety and trust, allowing both you and your partner to accept
and enjoy the risk of self-disclosure, discover hidden parts
of yourselves and develop new emotional connections.
It can be exciting, challenging and lots of fun.
“dance” of interaction is how we respond to each other and
becomes a pattern that at times can be hypnotic. Looking
at new choices and possibilities for assisting couples to
come up with changes to the patterns generates more and healthier
first step when a couple goes for assistance with marital
conflict is to ascertain whether both parties are committed
to the relationship, for without 100% commitment, sabotaging
occurs. The second step is to ascertain where each person
is now and where they want to be and what solutions each envisions
or feels would work.
is recognizing the different styles of communication – that
there isn’t something necessarily wrong with the other person
– they just think/process differently. This can help
in understanding and in learning to speak the other’s “language”
in the style that they think/process.
it is important to clear up any problems from each individual’s
past because often a person is reacting to some trauma in
the past, and not to the current situation. Once this
is done, then the communication patterns in the present relationship
can be clarified and new and empowering and respectful patterns
is also useful to not focus on negative patterns of relating
to others, but find positive patterns that are worthwhile
that can be enlarged. Seeking a small change and enlarging
on it in a crucial area can change the whole system.
It doesn’t take a very large hole to lead to a change in the
structure of a whole dam.
important aspect to focus on is achieving autonomy of family
members as much as if not more than togetherness. If
a child and a parent are too intensely involved, more separation
and space can help.
behaviours, internal strategies, incongruities, reframing,
clearing negative emotions and traumas from the past, looking
at oneself through the eyes of someone who loves you, cleaning
up negative anchors with each other, finding the difference
between the intention of the communication and the actual
outcome of that communication, are all important areas to
look at to resolve marital conflict. Deep inner longings
and unfinished childhood business can cause unrealistic demands
and conflict. What are each person’s expectations and
beliefs about how to resolve conflict, how to express affection,
values in life, values in a relationship, rules about communication,
role expectations, and rules about rules also need to be addressed.
does love go when it goes away?” If there is an answer
to this question, therein lies a way to create a satisfying
future.’ – Leslie Cameron-Bandler
Nygaard is a Certified Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) Trainer,
Time Line Therapy® Master Trainer and Hypnotherapy Trainer.
She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org