you ever find yourself very much wanting to say no in a situation,
when saying no would be the best thing for you, but you say
yes instead? Do you ever feel troubled about someone you
care about, yet when you see them you talk about everything
else but what youíre deeply feeling? Maybe you find yourself
lecturing or getting angry, the whole time knowing they arenít
even listening. Or maybe you find yourself feeling and
thinking one thing and saying another.
of the reasons people donít say what they mean may be fear
of rejection, of hurting otherís feelings, looking stupid,
or believing you always have to be polite or that we canít
make a difference.
in not saying it straight, we may betray a deep truth only
to gain a speck of self-worth or a speck of correctness.
There is a price to pay, and as is often the case with drugs
today, the price may be life itself.
responsibility for our feelings and expressing them requires
the willingness to take risks on our own behalf: the
risk of appearing foolish, perhaps, or of experiencing some
painful recognition. Some risks are positive:
risking experiencing the exhilaration that comes with validating
our inner strength, power, and feeling connected to our own
resources and to other people.
we are surprised to find people respect us more when we are
truly honest with ourselves and with them. To be trustable,
I donít need to be perfect, I need to be real.
Satir, world renowned family therapist, first generalized
our reactions into five communication styles. We all
use all of them, or combinations of them at different times.
are times when we placate: doing things only to please
others even if it harms us because we do not value ourselves
enough. We decide that we donít count.
times we blame: we may try to salvage our self-esteem
by attacking others. We may judge, ridicule or threaten,
taking care of ourselves at the expense of others. They
may be super-reasonable: out of desperation that our
feelings donít count, we say the right words, show no feelings
and just give the facts. Our feelings and their feelings
donít count, only the issue at hand counts. We often
get into this state when we feel the need for control.
may be irrelevant: distracting ourselves and others
from what we really want to talk about or do or see happen.
We ignore what we want, what others want and the issue at
hand. Nothing counts.
there is the experience of being congruent: when we
level with ourselves and others, thereby valuing ourselves
and at the same time respecting the other person and dealing
with the issue at hand. It all counts.
ourselves means being aware and taking ownership of all our
feelings, thoughts,Öresources and choices. We say our
real yes and our real no, without blaming or needing to please
othersÖ We can focus on being in charge of ourselves,
on making a difference in our world by changing our own behaviours.Ē
(Virginia Satir). Saying it straight makes this process
Nygaard is a Certified Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) Trainer,
Time Line Therapy® Master Trainer and Hypnotherapy Trainer.
She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org